Wednesday, July 26, 2006

So it begins: the world re-discovers Pedro's unique brand of crazy

All I can say is: of COURSE Pedro Borbon's hobby is cockfighting.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

It's that special time of year

The Rangers annual fadeout has officially begun. My theory this year: it's not the heat or pitching, but the simple, soul-draining experience of coming home after a decent roadtrip and realizing that the larger-than-usual crowd is rooting for the visiting team. That's what happens every time the Yankees come to town.

Fucking Yankees.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Jim Lampley would like you to seek other opportunities now

Wasn't there something too brutally efficient in the way Jim Lampley hurried first Vargas then Gatti into retirement on Saturday's broadcast? Of course, both fighters should end it but: Lampley. It must just suck to have the king of cheese tell you to hang it up.

Also, this must be why Boxing After Dark is back -- HBO needs to quickly locate the next highly telegenic fighter. 'Cause I don't think it's going to be that little British guy.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The boxing world is not serving ESPN well

For the third time in the last two weeks, ESPN2 has had to air girl fights in order to fill time on their boxing broadcasts. I might not be so immediately dismissive or sexist except: these are women who have literally never fought before.

Somehow, that's not what I envision from a worldwide leader in sports.

It's not ESPN's fault. Tonight for instance, their main event was delayed because officials failed to arrange for the requisite ringside physician. (Nice!) But maybe it's time to admit there aren't enough fighters worth watching. Or maybe there aren't enough smart, capable people in boxing. I'm not sure. But when a 1-0 girl fights a 0-0 girl on TV, you have to weep a little for Teddy Atlas.

Bill Parcells' Saturday night plans

Like so very many others, he might have a man-crush on Gatti.

Those 80s Rangers were big. And there was a reason.

Yesterday when Deadspin asked about Juan Gonzalez, it was the Gentleman Masher who supplied the most impressive answer:

"It's still kind of amusing to see how right Canseco was about the guys that played on the Rangers with him. Let's see...Sosa? Check. Juan Gon? Check. Raffy? Check. Your next, Pete Incaviglia. Oh, wait..."

An Incaviglia reference? How rare. And: genius. Amazingly though, the Gentleman Masher left out Ivan Rodriguez. What's the concensus on Pudge? I'm not sure but I think, with the weight loss all but forgotten and the Tigers actually winning games this season, Pudge may now be controversy-proof.

One more thing: I don't want to criticize the sports reporting in this town but does anyone think it's odd that it took a Jose Canseco book to expose Rangers' steroids use -- years after the fact? But maybe that's nothing to be ashamed of. Pedro Gomez understands.

Monday, July 17, 2006

You cannot kill Keith Davis

Hell, you might not even be able to cut him.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Turns out, sanitary hose aren't


Why I hate Josh Lewin: 2

(The second in a continuing series wherein I examine my very hostile, very uncharitable feelings for the overly chatty Texas Rangers TV announcer.)

Tom Grieve was once the Texas Rangers General Manager and, as such, he bears sole responsible for foisting Bobby Valentine on us for 8 long years. But Grieve is also a good guy. A thoroughly decent, nice man who played in the Major Leagues for 9 seasons and gracefully took to the broadcast booth when the Rangers fired him -- finally -- as GM in 1994. Not exactly high-energy behind the mic, Grieve has nonetheless always been pleasant and insightful and never, ever obviously drunk.

But now, 5 years of working with Josh Lewin has clearly rendered Grieve all but senseless. Lewin's constant babble, his unending stream of carefully scripted pop culture riffs, his insistence on observing the crowd more than the game -- these have understandably beat Grieve down. It's as if Grieve can no longer remember why he's there and has given up hope of talking baseball. Instead, the games go on, rallies start and die and Tom Grieve simply waits -- quietly, obediently -- for his cue to over-laugh at Josh Lewin's latest "joke." So many green-light-to-swing debates, lost. And this wounds me.

Because you turned a nice guy into your own personal courtesy laugher -- and then teased him about it during the Baltimore game -- I hate you Josh Lewin!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I'll start watching when Tim McCarver finally shuts his big fat mouth

According to, Pedro Borbon never played in an All-Star Game. For that and so many other outrages (entire Fox broadcast team), I'll probably pass on tonight's game. Maybe there's something good on Lifetime.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Everybody gets distracted

As the world's citizens were rightly occupied with soccer yesterday, I know that you, as I, found yourself thinking, "This is fun and all but I wonder what Pete Rose was doing 32 years ago." Wonder no more. It was recorded for all of history:

"There's something about being on the team bus that brings everyone to life....Shooting beavers from the bus is always one of the most interesting ways of passing time. You are up high, looking down into the passing cars. And sometimes you see the damnedest things.

"Bench is about the best at spotting a beaver because he stands at the front door."

(from "Charlie Hustle," Rose, Hertzel; copyright 1975 by Associated Features Inc; p. 132-133)

Compare, contrast

"Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show, somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains."


"Feldman finally decided to get an apartment. But he's living with Ian Kinsler and Jason Botts. It's affordable and they worked out a deal with the complex to lease it for the season. Feldman said he'd see how the rest of the season and off-season goes before deciding if he'll get a place of his own next season. Oh, and word is Botts is sleeping on the couch in the living room."

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Internets are letting me down

I printed out the rules but so far, the Brent Musburger drinking game isn't translating so well to the World Cup pre-game show. If it weren't for "folks," my bottle would still be full.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

And it is a worthy cause

Let us now turn to page 193 of our Relentless Reds text (copyright 1975, Pressco Inc) and read:

"Borbon is noted for his durability...he is also famous for his throwing stunts like trying to hit the top of the Astrodome with a ball....he once described one of his outings to an interviewer as a night when 'my ball, she move like a snake!'"

I think we all, in our hearts, wish our ball would move like that. So I renew my commitment to honor Pedro Borbon, knowing that the cause is worthy and that the roof, she can be hit.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Should I score that as an error?

The Dallas Morning News has started a baseball blog. Not much to read yet but I do have a design comment. It's this:

I would have opted for NOT including the writer photos.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

It could explain so much

Ever see Teddy Atlas and Rosie O'Donnell in the same room at the same time?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The team that plays on Mavericks off-nights apparently signs somebody

That's it? So many free agents, so many curious trades -- all pissed away like Marty Turco's youth and potential. Sigh.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Making it up as I go along

I'm pretty sure of one thing: writing haiku would not be an appropriate way of honoring Pedro Borbon.

A surprising result, to be sure

The World Cup makes a much a better impression on the gays than on the whores.

Why I hate Josh Lewin: 1

To Josh Lewin's thinking, every Texas Rangers game is, first and foremost, an opportunity for him to amaze us with his command of pop culture references. HE WILL NOT BE OUTDONE BY THOSE SPORTSCENTER GUYS!! No on-field action is too exciting or controversial to interrupt his carefully prepared run list of song lyrics and movie lines. Only sometimes do these comments relate to the game. Never are they spontaneous. Never are they even funny.

Because you deadpanned "Hey now you're an all-star" during a Gary Matthews Jr at-bat last night and thought it was high comedy, I hate you Josh Lewin!

The Cause

Let us now turn to page 3 of our Charlie Hustle text (copyright 1975 by Associated Features Inc), and read:

"Borbon, who is a wild man, was almost insensible with fury. He reached down, grabbed a cap, and put it on his head. It was Cleon Jones' Met cap.

"'Pete,' Borbon said to me later, 'I put the cap on and see blue all over my head. I grab it and I don't know what happen.'

"I had to laugh. I saw what he did. He took the cap off, tugged at it, stuck it in his mouth, bit it, tore it, and threw it away piece by piece. All the while, Jones was walking behind him, trying to pick up the pieces of his cap."

As someone who has seen blue all over my head for far too long, I wish to salute Pedro. I will now honor him by regularly grabbing metaphorical caps and biting and tearing until I don't know what happen.